I wanted to write a post about how I feel. Anytime I tried to, it came out wrong. It made me look pathetic, spoiled, and selfish. Maybe I am all those things. Maybe I am one of those people who have never had a real problem in their lives and still whines about it. Maybe. Maybe I am too sensible regarding certain aspects of my life, maybe I am a drama queen, or maybe I am just a normal human being.
So, I wanted to write something personal, some confessional and inspiring. But I ended up with this.
I’ve had mixed feelings about being visible all my life.
On the one hand, I am an introvert. I like quiet and calm. I like working from home, I like reading books, listening to music, watching films. I do most of these things alone because that is my nature – being alone or isolated is a normal condition for me. It feels comfortable, easy. It doesn’t mean I don’t have friends. I have them, pretty great ones. But they are few [the ones who really are granted the title] and I am fine with it. I am a rather reserved, private person, and I don’t take personal/intimate relationships lightly. But being alone sucks sometimes. Ok, this may sound bipolar, but it is the truth. Even though I am more comfortable when not engaged in social action, I do miss a more sophisticated human contact at times. For some people, being personable may come easy. For me, it requires a lot of work, years of practice, and an effort to hide how not normal I feel. I tend to get self-conscious, displaced, nervous. However, at the end of the day I am like pretty much everybody else: I kinda like people. I just hate being on the spotlight.
But on the other hand, I don’t always want to be invisible. That’s where things get tricky. Because most of the time I am thinking “Please, don’t see me, not me!” but at other times I hopelessly feel like I am not there at all. Maybe that’s the price I have to pay for sorta hiding, for not seeking out human connection. But there are days when I want to be seen. This sounds as corny as it gets, but I want to be noticed. Which is a very delicate issue for me because I don’t really appreciate my looks and I tend to say some very stupid things when I am nervous and under pressure. I feel a lot like Chandler Bing, using humor as a defense mechanism and ending up looking more awkward than before. The question of my looks is a very complex one and I definitely feel like some professional help could come in handy. I came to terms with the fact that I have very low self-esteem and I often lack confidence [which some people may consider some kind of false modesty or pessimism when they are getting to know me]. I just can’t help to compare myself with others and come out as a looser in my head. I know, we are who we are and I should embrace who I am, blah blah blah. But I always think that no one will ever notice me because of how I look – and maybe this has something to do with the social standards of beauty and all, how they are engraved in our brains since always. After all the things I’ve studied and read, I should be able to shake off the feeling that I am not good enough. But I just can’t.
So, the simple truth is that even if I try to act aloof and play cool, I really hope to be seen. But for the real me, this nice person I am here, inside my head. The bottom line is that my appearance plays a decisive role in how I act socially. I’ve been judged and dismissed before on account of my looks, so I thread carefully.
Maybe someday I’ll be able to embrace [my] weirdness.